July 16, 2008

The Heist

I drove to my bank ATM the other day to make a deposit. As I was walking up to the machine, the bank doors opened and two large men came out of the door, followed by another man pushing a dolly. The cart was stacked 4 feet high with bags of coins and cloth bags of cash. They were headed towards an armored car parked just in front of mine.

I knew I shouldn't stare, but all that cash on the move made me salivate. I tried to play it cool and watch the transport out of the corner of my eye, but the two large men frowned in my direction and I quickly looked back towards the ATM machine. I pretended to mess around in my purse, but instead watched with great interest as the men loaded the cash into the truck, bag by bag.

In my normal life, I would never consider robbing a bank, but for these few, exciting seconds, I hatched a plan to escape with the cash. One bag of bills would get me to Costa Rica, and another would mean a life-time supply of virgin pina coladas. I'd have to create a distraction for the men. Maybe I would fake a heart attack at the ATM (although once you saw my pathetic checking account a heart attack wouldn't be so far fetched). The men would come rushing to my aid. Then, with a ninja move that I hopefully would come up with on the spot, I would incapacitate all three men in one deft maneuver, sprint to the truck, tuck two cash bags under
my shirt and run to the Jenny Craig store across the parking lot.

When the cops came around looking, they'd be too humiliated to ask the lady with the big chest at Jenny Craig if she was really hiding something under her shirt besides too much dessert. My plan was foolproof.

I turned from the ATM to look around for security cameras. The rumble of the armored truck distracted me and I saw, crestfallen, a lifetime of virgin pina coladas driving away from me. With a sigh, I completed my transaction and stuffed a measly $20 in my wallet.

I'll be ready next time. Oh, I'll be ready.

16 comments:

Lisa said...

That's so funny that this post is about robbery because I was just at Costco yesterday and witnessed a guy stealing about 20 DVD's. I took down the license plate number, because I'm no hero and I'm not going to risk mine, or my daughter's life for a few measly DVD's.
But I think I like virgin strawberry dacquari's more than virgin pina coladas

melanie said...

Lol - I read that originally as "I would decapitate all three men in one deft maneuver..."

Hehehehe.

Smoochiefrog said...

Hee hee.

At least you can get $20 from your bank account. :)

Colleen said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who plans out heinous crimes in my mind. :)

Kerri said...

I am impressed that after pulling off a successful bank robbery, you still have your morals and choose non-alcoholic beverages!

Susan M said...

Good thing you didn't. Most ATMs have hidden cameras. I think about those cameras every time I use one. It's so hard not to smile and wave.

flip flop mama said...

Susan M, I smile and wave at those cameras all the time.

I always think about how easy it would be to steal certain things. Good thing when I was 4 or 5 I learned the "never steal" lesson by having to pay for a peanut I stole from a grocery store bin.

Like you I can still dream though....

Boy Mom said...

As long as you can blog us a smile from a beach chair in Costa Rica...you go girl!

Shelle said...

Seriously so funny! I use to work for a bank and everytime I saw those guys come in I felt the exact same way. What a measely bag of money to them? If that truck wasn't armored I'd drop kick my way in!

lol! That was great!

Ribeezie said...

ROFL... I mean I'm literally rolling on the floor laughing!!!

Have a great weekend! I'm staying in and watching the movie "Cocktail"; saving "The Dark Knight" for tomorrow :-)

Mandy said...

Couldn't they just spare ONE bag? Do they really NEED all that money? If they saw our bank accounts they would gladly hand it over. I love pretending I'm a badass too. Great story!

Her Royal Highness said...

I've been in positions where LOADS of money are within my reach. I've dreamed those dreams and have tried to conjure up a plan on how that money can become mine (other than hard work & saving). But those plans are quickly washed away with the glimpse of cameras, logon ID's, and *gasp* MORALS.
*sigh*
My plans never included ninja moves, though. I should go rethink...

Bronie said...

hilarious! the funniest thing i've read in a long time.

Layla Frances said...

Funny stuff!!! I just came across your blog.....I am in the same boat you are.....virgin pina coladas here I come.

layla

www.laylafraces.blogspot.com
www.laylasweets.blogspot.com

Layla Frances said...

that would be

www.laylafrances.blogspot.com

don't you hate when your fingers are faster than your brain....

frolicnfibers said...

That was hysterical... I'm still laughing. I do enjoy your blog! Diana