December 4, 2008

The Christmas Diet

With Thanksgiving stuffed tidily down my gullet and the globs of candied yams scrapped off the kitchen floor, my husband Spike and I grimly face the December Diet. The one where you smile and say 'thank you' when neighbors drop of cookies but self-righteously dump them in the trash the minute you wave them off the doorstep. The diet where you repeat in your mind day and night that Santa is a fat fraud who would rather you end up with type II Diabetes and die in your sleep next month so he doesn't have to whip up yet another Christmas present for you. The diet where the Christmas tree lights shine a little dimmer because your eyes are misted over with the dull ache of hunger.

Its in times like these when I turn to the cooking channel. I am a vicarious eater when I have to be. Tonight, I was pacing the living room, agonizing over our bare cupboards (my enterprising husband dropped all our ice cream, sweets and sugar goodies off at a neighbors home the night we started our Christmas fast). What did I want? What did I really want? Food. Plain and simple. And the food network delivers. If I turn up the volume just enough and get cozy up to our 47" t.v., it's almost like they are serving me. I silently salivate through the preparation of a delicate tiramasu, watching to make sure they dust just enough coco powder on top to fit my liking. Then the dish is presented and I drop my mouth open just in the slightest to receive a sliver of the t.v. delight. I can taste it. And it's everything I hoped it would be. Spike moans in agony and begs me to change the channel. He hasn't learned to feed off of a satelite signal. I ignore him and prepare for another bite of the seductive dessert. Spike leaves the room. Good. Now there's more for me.

16 comments:

Jessica said...

You'll have to teach me this Christmas diet! My pants are screaming for some tension relief

Jennifer Miller said...

I love reading your blog. You are a great writer! Tell your huband hi for me I don't think I have seen him for years, and the last time I saw you, we were bearely introduced (at a painfully boring family reunion) Your hair was pink which gave the reunion some flare!!

Lisa said...

I'm pretty excited that you are back!
I was just thinking that I'm going to do a sugar fast the week of christmas, but then I'd miss out on a lot of good sweets. But it really needs to be done so that I'm less dependant on sugar. Because who really needs dessert after breakfast? And lunch? And snacks? And two after dinner?

Spike said...

jennifer, i saw you like a month ago at grant's wedding dinner. i obviously made quite an impression.

chattypatra said...

Ah, yes, the Christmas diet. Amazingly enough I did this years ago - while going to tons of parties where they served all the traditional Puerto Rican food - and actually lost 20 pounds. I had forgotten about it. So, yes, it can be done. Hang in there!

holly said...

There is an easier diet over christmas...I've done this one. Eat to your heart's content, then get together with family and contract nasty flu bug. Puke your guts out, fainting and extended toilet time also included. Do this for about 5 days...lose 10 lbs.
I swear it works. It did for me. ;)

Hollywood said...

Dang it! Why, oh why did I get our families flu shots last week?

Janell said...

I so miss your writing. I'm glad you're back! I too watch the Food Network when I'm hungry.

Ok. I'll admit it. I watch the food network all the time. . . hungry or otherwise.

Colleen said...

Wow, you guys are either total masochists or have amazing self-control. This is the WORST time of year for a diet! I always wait until January to swear off candy. But then Valentine's Day comes and all bets are off. Good luck!

J-Rod said...

You throw away the cookies from the home teachers? That's a new low...

bythelbs said...

We usually end up dumping the goody plates at my house too, but not out of concern for our waistlines or blood sugar levels.

I always appreciate the thought, though.

Stay At Home Mom said...

How I wish there is an easier way to lose weight this Christmas. Food is everywhere! I guess I better stay away from the kitchen and start diverting my attention to other stuff. Good luck!

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