September 29, 2009

The Evil In My Home

"Mom, there's a bug crawling on the wall."
"Okay."
"Come see!"
"Fine."

I walk into the kitchen where my two year old has led me by the hand and look around to find the offending insect. "Where is it, Cher?"

"Ummm...I can't remember...," she waves a pointed finger distractedly at the walls and then her gaze lands on the floor. "There," she proclaims triumphantly.

"Honey, that's a tortoise."

"Yeah."

We bought our first home six months ago and I quickly went to work surrounding my family with non-human friends. Since my husband Spike is allergic to cats and can't stand dogs, I had to get a little more creative so now our backyard hosts a bevy of bunnies and a small clan of dessert tortoises. But not all the animals at my home are invited guests.

When we first looked at the house, we found a scorpion in one of the bathrooms. Our realtor assured us it was a once in a lifetime sighting and many other locals promised they had never seen a scorpion while living here. It turns out that's because all the scorpions in Vegas live at my house.

The week after we moved in, I was still finding them crawling on my kitchen floor and hiding under the laundry baskets. Soon after, my four year old Pixie was bit in the living room and spent a Sunday in the ER. When we finally called an exterminator, she delivered the grim news that the only way to kill scorpions was to hunt them down individually and crush their little brains to mush. No spray would kill them. With the help of a dark night and a black light, we were finally able to see just exactly how bad our scorpion infestation was. We caught (not saw, caught) 84 in the first hour of hunting.

Last night Spike proclaimed the scorpions to be, "his jealous mistress." Each night before bed, he pulls on his leather gloves, grabs the black light flashlight and picks up his Killing Stick. Then out to the yard he goes, hunting for anything that wiggles in his blackl ight. After a round of killing in the yard, he turns off the lights inside and sweeps each room, finding any scorpions that have managed to gain entry to our home, taking care not to wake our two daughters as we sweep and kill in their little purple bedroom. The scorpions are a little piece of Satan that has manifested itself in our otherwise happy home. And if you've never had the chance to see your spouse decked out with a blacklight, Killing Stick and grim smile, you've never known true love.

We are strangely proud of our infestation. When we invite your over for dinner, we'll insist you stay until dark so you can accompany Spike on one of his killing sprees. Then if you're really lucky, he'll capture a few with the salad tongs and make you get up close and personal with them to see just how tough you can pretend to be. Scorpions only come out in the dark so we are able to enjoy our yard during the day. But as soon as the sun sets, my girls come to me with big eyes and ask if the scorpions are coming out. We tiptoe inside and lock the doors. The yard is given over to the beasts.

Life has been eerily wonderful since moving out of the apartment phase of life and if it wasn't for the scorpions, we'd be like Adam and Eve, moving around Eden with bland smiles. But the scorpions keep it real for us. Just the right amount of wicked to make the good really pop. Now don't you wish you lived at our house?

21 comments:

Nancy Sabina said...

Eeek! Nope, I don't wish I lived at your house. And after your comment about what you do to your guests, I'm pretty sure I'm never coming to visit! I'll wave as I drive by. ... Maybe...

Hollywood said...

Wuss.

Emma Jo said...

My sister in LV has had a very similar run-in with that particular spawn of Satan. Does your husband do house calls?
By the way, I am really glad you came back. You are funny and I like that.

Colleen said...

Wow. I am in awe of your bravery. I don't think I could have bought a house that had even one scorpion living in it. I'm glad you guys are looking at the bright side and enjoying your new house anyway! We'd love to come visit sometime, just let us know when you've managed to rid Eden of evil.

Aunt LoLo said...

Ok, I do not envy your scorpions AT ALL.

Actually, they terrify me.

BUT I'm so happy you're blogging again. :-) I've missed you!

Maren Hansen said...

Eww, ew, ew. When we lived in Phoenix, I was super paranoid about the bark scorpions. They are small, barely colored, and stealthy. Sorry to hear Pixie got stung! We were fortunate to live in apartments that were older and not built on old citrus groves. I guess the more they move the dirt around (i.e. in newer subdivisions) or if there used to be a citrus grove where there are now homes, the more scorpions around. My MIL who still lives in Gilbert said that the exterminator told them to get rid of any other pests (bugs) and the scorpions would move on to lands with better food sources. They get their house and land sprayed regularly...

DakerMom said...

Holy Crap NO!!! I would have moved the second I saw the first one.. FarFARRR away!!! Ewww.. Couldn't handle that. Even your picture totally skeezed me out! Scorpions are like spiders from hell, and I can't handle spiders, so there's no way.

Lacey said...

Yuck. My parents who live in a house just 10 years old and on Black Mountain get scorpions every once in a while. We never get them since we're in the middle of town and in an older home.

I didn't even know you could get them here till my parents moved 10 years ago. I thought they were something you get outside of Las Vegas, or like in the real desert far, far away.

But how many you get is creepy and I'd love to see them, but at the same time would be shaking in my boots.

Perla said...

three posts? perhaps you really are back.
a new home? how exciting! i look forward to hearing more about your life in a house with a yard and scorpions in comparison to your hollywood days.
isn't it strange the things that bother us? a scorpion is no where near as frightening to me as a spider, even if the spider is non-poisonous. although it is scary that they could bite the kids. that is crazy that they can't just spray deadly toxins all over the place to kill those scorpions. so...eventually your man kills the ALL? is that how it works? or is this just your life now for the rest of your life?
and, after my extensive viewing of that exterminator show, i think you should make sure to at least kill all their food source, even if you can't kill all of them. that was the only way a family could keep their black widow problem truly at bay...haha. you had a professional exterminator come and i'm acting like i know what you should do. hahaha.

Michemily said...

Those creatures are simply frightful. They're like all my nightmares after learning about the bugs in our hair, clothes, and on our skin come true.

Crystal said...

My dad does a similar nightly hunt in California, although he's going for black widows. I've also heard that if you get rid of the crickets that the scorpions eat, that can help cut down on their infestation. But it sounds like they just like you. :)

chelsea said...

oh my goodness that is horrifying to say the least. glad you're back!

AzĂșcar said...

I'm just happy that I know another woman married to a dog-hater. We're a special breed.


(hee)

Stephanie said...

So glad you're blogging again! Hang in there. If there's anyone who can fight scorpions with humor and grace, it's you. Not that you'll win but at least you'll (we'll) have a few laughs.

Sister Pottymouth said...

*shudder* That is awful! You should invite the Realtor over for a night hunt.

newlymed said...

WOW!! We have found a total of 3 scorpions in our house in the 18 months that we've lived here. You beat me by QUITE a bit!

Tammy said...

so will they eventually all get killed - or will this be an eternal nightly ritual? Our pest worsts are mice and bats - must say I hate them all - live in the great outdoors and stay away from my house!

Jessica G. said...

When I moved to Texas as a teenager, our downstairs closet was called the Tarantula Closet and for very good reason. When the house stood empty for a few months, big hairy spiders made their nest in there. We thought we had them cleared out but more kept popping up. That's also where my mom kept the vacuum. Is it any wonder we hated to use it?

Chantele said...

I'm happy you are back! I've missed your hilarious and insightful posts!:) I'm a huge wuss when it comes to even little spiders, so I would probably have a heart attack if I saw a scorpion in my house!

kadusey said...

Ha! You're posting again! Amazing!

We had a guy come spray to kill our biting ants in our yard (along with the crickets and cockroaches that I really didn't mind too much as long as they stayed in our yard). He said that there are, in fact, ways of killing scorpions with pesticides, and that pest control people that say it's impossible just don't have the right stuff to do it themselves.

But he did say that if we're not going to have them come kill scorpions regularly (he found one in our yard), the best thing we can do is get rid of all the seed pods and leaves under our spiny bushes and in our gravel to get rid of the food for the crickets and cockroaches that will nest there, so they will move out, and then the scorpions will have nothing to eat and will also leave.

Wendy said...

I was born and raised in Vegas, lived there for most of my 28 years, and I have to tell you something: your neighbors? They lied to you. Your scorpion problem is a special one, to be sure, but scorpions are hardly rare in those parts. Best of luck with your problem. And if I were you, I'd call a few more exterminators and get some more opinions.