September 25, 2009

Learning How to Knit

I'm only a month away from 30 and trying to embrace my inner old lady so what better to do than buy a pair of knitting needles and some yarn. My husband Spike was not amused. "This isn't you, Hollywood. You're edgy. You're avant garde. You are not a knitter." Be that as it may, with the help of online knitting guru Judy, I've taken up needles to fight for my right to be chubby, frumpy, and middle aged.

It wasn't easy. I've tried knitting before and each time was overcome by the sheer blandness of it and gave up after a few stitches. But after two children, a couple thousand dirty diapers, and a vengeful scale in my bathroom, I've found my mind sufficiently addled to take on knitting once more. This time, it stuck.

I can purl, rib, decrease, cast off, fair isle and stockinette with the best of them. When the kids start fussing, my needles slash and click like Edward Scissorhands. I can finally understand the allure of gun ownership. When I'm holding two pointed metal needles, I feel impervious. The metallic hiss they make as they slide across each other reminds me of Mel Gibson in Bravehart dragging his longsword across the nobleman's armor. With my needles at my side, nobody will mess with me. And really, how would you rather die - gun shot or knitting needles? I'm a force to be reckoned with.

So far I have used my knitting powers for good. And really, death by knitting needles seems to be a rare occurrence. I could only find one instance online of a knitting needle accident - a Palo Alto librarian was stabbed through the heart with a needle - but the tough old biddy survived. So the chances of me going all Tomb Raider on anybody's hinnie are slim. Plus, anyone who knits knows if you had the choice of protecting yourself from a heinous villain using your knitting needles or preserving the hours of stitching you'd already accomplished, you'd choose to save your knitting rather than your life.

So I bide my time, knitting dolls and cuffs, just waiting for some foolhardy lug to look at me the wrong way. And when he does, there will be no more question as to the "avant gardness" of my skills.

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For those of you wondering what in the world has happened in my life over the past year since I've posted, here are a few tidbits:


We aren't the Hollywood Flakes anymore. We're the Henderson, NV Flakes. But don't even think about calling me "Henderson."

I'm now fat and Spike is lean. An amusing development.

After bleaching my hair unsuccessfully multiple times over my life and promising myself I would never do it again, I did it again. It looks terrible.

I'm sick of sewing.

Pixie, my four year old, learned to knit (see her instructional video here).

After mistakenly ordering a 30 lb bag of instant oats, I've become a master chef of all things oat related. Yum Yums, anyone?

I decided to blog again.

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

the long night is o'er. welcome back

Lacey said...

Glad to see you blogging, at least this once, again. How do you like Henderson and having a house?

I'm mostly a lurker, but it's always fun to see those I lurk live close to where I am...Don't worry I won't stalk you, I'm too busy homeschooling and avoiding my own housework.

Janell said...

Penny's absolutely adorable!

Michemily said...

Well what do you know, you're back! Of course I have to leave a comment here seeing as how my master's thesis had your blog in it. Did you see the questions I left for you on the blog where you left a comment? I wondered if you'd be back since you hadn't ever really said goodbye. Welcome. :)

mamie said...

"knitter please"

girl, you funny.

that's it. I'm bout to start calling you. We just have to be better friends.

Celia Marie (W.) B. said...

welcome back.

Lindsay said...

Hooray! You're back! Welcome, welcome!

Anonymous said...

glad you're back!

Maren Hansen said...

Yay! I've missed your posts and am glad to see you're sense of humor is as finely knit as ever... ;)

Th. said...

.

Henderson lacks sufficient glamour for you Flakes, or so it seems to me.

Hollywood said...

Wow! I wasn't expecting anyone to notice that I was up and running for a while but it's really good to see some of the old crowd back here.

Lacey - having a house is DIVINE. I cannot express the relief at finally having a backyard and living on ground level. Are you in Henderson too? I love lurkers and have known to get together with them from time to time...

Janell - sorry about the Hackberry thing - I'm just so burnt our from sewing that I'm ignoring my Etsy shop lately. Kind of like I ignored a certain blog for a while.

Michemily - you can credit yourself in large part for my return. After reading on your thesis your idea that maybe my blog friends weren't real to me, I got really sad because of course you guys are. And yeah, I didn't officially say goodbye on the blog because I always assumed I'd come crawling back for more.

Maime - VISIT ME! I'd love to have some good girl time with you and the kids would love to see any little Benac children you want to drag along.

Celia and Lindsay, like I learned in Girl Scouts, "make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." You're my golden girls.

Maren, I can never overlook a fine pun. Nicely done!

Th. - for all intents and purposes going forth, we live in Las Vegas. We're actually only a couple miles from the city line and we go into Vegas almost daily for outings so I'm hoping I can glean off of some of Sin Cities glamor to keep up my own enigma. We'll see if it works.

Anonymous lovies - keep being anonymous and cool. Like I said, I really do love the lurkers.

Chicken Little said...

Yay! I was so glad to see you're back - this was one of my favorite blogs and definitely the funniest.

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

I totally did a double take when I saw you in my reader! But I'm glad you're back. I've missed your posts.

Nancy Sabina said...

Ok, first of all, I'm clapping for myself right now!

And welcome back! I can't wait for more. And I heard knitting is totally the hip thing to do these days. I know because this hip cousin of mine just started doing it and she's a total trend-setter!

Tracy M said...

Yup, I've kept you on my reader too. So glad you're back! And congrats on the house!

Lacey said...

I live in Vegas, pretty close to Downtown in a lovely ghetto area and will be here until we either get out of the house we're in, refinance and rent the house we're in or burn it to the ground, which wouldn't be nice since we live in a duplex. (We bought in 2005 and then the bubble burst. So sad for us since we could now buy something much nicer, but oh well.)

I have family in Henderson and go there on a weekly basis for a home school co-op and all nearly all my doctors are out there.

I too was surprised to see you on my reader and once I found out you were near me I couldn't help but feel blessed that our little valley is now blessed with some utter coolness.

Jillybean said...

When I saw that you had posted I did a double take, AND I rubbed my eyes to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing.
Glad you're back!

And I promise not to call you Henderson.

AzĂșcar said...

What?

I'm so glad you're back!

citymama1 said...

We lived in Vegas for the clerkship year. Seek out and find Luv-It's Frozen Custard post-haste. It's a dive between a strip joint and a gas station off the old-end of the strip. It's worth the risk. Enjoy.

Peace out.

The Editor said...

BABY!! you're BACK!! As the Queen of Benac.com I welcome you home from your Distant Journey to oblivion. Now I get to worry about what you'll be writing about me during and after visits, just like the good old days. And Dad gets to worry about How It Will Look to our public, etc. I love it. And love you. Lurkers! Take heart with the rest of us!

Colleen said...

I'm so glad you're back!!! Facebook can only do so much to keep me up on your goings-on. Knitting is so cool nowadays. Seriously. I did a scarf or two last winter and then discovered that crocheting is faster. But they seem to be winter-only pastimes for me, so I haven't done anything in quite awhile. And I'm pretty terrible at both.

Can't wait to hear more!

S'mee said...

Waaa-freaking-hoooo!

So glad to have you back Hollywood! I too have family in Henderson, lots 0 family! They seem to have survived, although I am sure not as well as if they had stayed this side of the border. ahem.

Glad to see you are back. : )

Mrs. M said...

Oh, I'm so jealous of your house and yard, although I don't envy the Las Vegas weather. We are dreaming of a house with a yard and trees. It may never happen.

So glad you're back. DH was just thinking about you the other day, wondering what you were up to.

randa_joy said...

Hoo-Ray for Hollywood!!

Lyndsey said...

So I am not edgy or anything but I do love knitting. I have this great pattern for alligator mittens if you think Penny needs some. I am going to get going and maybe I could finish them for Tommy for Christmas. Way to go on the house, we are renting a tiny one in Nor-cal and the backyard is amazing.

Bill Benac Sr. said...

Welcome back "Hollywood".

Your proud poppy has missed the excitement and the anguish of not knowing what sweetness or outrage you would ply next in your online endeavors.

I take it as a sign of good mental health and balance (or is it a return to imbalance?) that your domestic life is now reordered and you are once more ready to take on the larger world stage.

We all await as the shoes begin to drop!!!

Love Dad

Anonymous said...

Welcome back, we missed you so much!

Sarah said...

happy days! Miss you madly and hope i see more!

Evelyn Theresa said...

Welcome back! We missed you.

Wendy said...

I would argue that while an old lady hobby, knitting is VERY edgy. Probably because I knit, too. And I am totally edgy. No really, I am. I AM!

P.S. If you need any Vegas tips, especially restaurants, I'm your girl.

Wendy said...

Oh, and, WELCOME BACK!!!

Anonymous said...

SOOOOO glad you're back!!!!

Kate said...

So I just came to check in and was like, wait, there are a bunch of new posts! I'm glad you're back!