December 18, 2007

Hell for Blogging Slackers

I'm home for the holidays.  Home being my parents' house in Dallas.  It's only been 24 hours since I got here, but my mother has already given me four sincere talks about how nobody will care about the blog in the long run and how I should have as many kids as possible.  The woman had nine children and is a propagation zealot. To give you some sense of her ideas on birth control, she even refused to have our cats fixed.  We lived in a sea of kittens growing up.
"But two is such a nice number," I say, looking at her for pity.  
"It's the refiners fire!" she shoots back.  
"But it's so hard," I whine.
"It's supposed to be hard.  It'll get you to heaven."
"I'll still get to heaven even if I only have two," I counter argue.
She hesitates, "...that's true..."

I win.  


(I just read this blog post to my mom before posting for her approval and she said, "It's not true.  People who only have two children rot in hell.  Hell for slackers.  For blogging slackers."
Get your story straight, Mom.  Can I get fixed or not?

45 comments:

Maralise said...

I'm with you. Let's snuggle up by the fire together?

tracy m said...

Ah, the double-entendre of your post title; very nice.

How was the flight, by the way... and tell your mom I had no idea the having a passel of kids was how I got into heaven!

the Editor said...

Warning, Readers: Don't let Hollywood into your homes; she'll take your words and twist 'em up till they're nice and unrecognizable so she can enjoy a storm of comments! Though I must say, I'm certainly glad I didn't stop after five; where would the world be without our precious Hollywood?

Kate said...

This made me laugh out loud. :)
But I agree with Tracy M... I didn't know that having a gaggle of kids was how I could get into heaven. I've made a mental note :)

Hollywood said...

Sorry, Editor - Those were the exact words. The real meaning is up to us to interpret. You knows I love you though - I'm hoping you'll put in a good word for me up in heaven ;)

Amber said...

I'm dying here! What will four kids get you? Can I stop at four?

clbm562 said...

Hey..wait a minute. I only had two kids. I'm certain there will be more.....maybe in the next world??? Hmmm...what is in store for me. One thing about having only two kids....you get through very fast..and that's what I have found to be kind of hard.

Teah said...

Oh, Hollywood! What's Christmas without some good nagging from your Mom, right? (My mom tends to run the other way - she has five children. We are required to give her 5 grandchildren, apiece. HOWEVER, the rules clearly stipulate that these grandchildren may be spaced no closer than 34 months apart. The rule was 3 years, but come on - everyone needs a little wiggle room, right?) (She set the standard too high, though! She had her first babies when she was 21, and we were TWINS! She had everyone out and accounted for under ten years!)

pflower10 said...

When my hubby and I started having kids my Mother In Law (hereto with will be referred to as MIL)gave us some advice that I've never forgotten....."When you got kids, you got NUTHIN'". Each time we announced a pregnancy we we met with these words..."What'dya go and go that for?!?!". In contrast, every time my mother hears that any of her 6 kids are expecting again she turns on the waterworks and gushes about how wonderful it is (no cute sayings though).

Grandchild count:

MIL-4
Mother-27+

Anonymous said...

So much for decisions like this being personal and private....

Nancy said...

My mother-in-law also seems to believe that more children equals a better place in heaven. She had six. She also didn't have morning sickness.

In the church we place so much emphasis on families. And we should. Families are important. But its not the SIZE of our families that's the important thing.

Angie said...

ILOVE the EDITOR's COMMENT! LOL!
Well, mom knows best and if the way to get to heaven is hell on earth (6 kids would be that to me), I'm all for it. I have a different view of getting to heaven, so I will let you try this approach.
KEEP BELIEVING

The Wiz said...

Heh heh heh. Does she tell you what to name them, too? My Grandma did that to her kids, and it drove them crazy. Of course, they named them whatever they wanted, so.....

I say, go for it. Have nine. Make your mother happy.

Or not.

Torchness said...

I didn't realize you were coming to Dallas. If you happen to see a frazzled law student in a rented red Chevy Aveo, crying somewhere over coffee in Snider Plaza, that's me!

Shiloh said...

I guess it is time to switch from birth control to fertility drugs. If you need kids to get into heaven you may as well start having sets of twins and triplets.
(I didn't see any mention of having to care for said children-- so if just having them is enough, it might not be too bad... ;) )

Marie said...

So you should get pregnant every time you get the the postnatal 6 weeks thumbs up from the doctor??? I don't think that's quite what God expects. And I don't see how blogging can possibly interfere with impregnation. Both blogging and impregnation are rather flexible activities.

My mom came from a Catholic family of ten kids and went on to bear three protestants of her own (well one of whom was baptized Catholic, and one Wiccan who was baptized catholic, and one Protestant that was baptized Mormon). Every time I say something to her along the lines of "I have news!" She cringes and says, "You're not pregnant are you?"

Caroline said...

man alive! I hate this crap. What about all the women who desperately want to have children but can't get pregnant? They're going to hell? Meanwhile, the crack addict whore down the street that has 8 kids that mother themselves is guaranteed to go straight in? I DON'T THINK SO.

It's not about the number, and there's so many ways to be a good parent, whether you have kids or not. For my own sanity and health, I'm done. I'm not having anymore. and as a gal who gets hit hard with postpartum depression, I think it's a very smart, safe move. There's no way I could have 12 kids. I'd kill 'em. There's a lot of factors that play into the decision of what size family suits you. And if it's not your family, keep your trap shut.

Not that I think you mom is super extreme or anything, but I think that sometimes moms forget that what they want for their own children is not always best for them...

Doug Taylor said...

lol... I would think there are so many other great reasons to slam the pearly gates shut in my face that come well before the number of kids I have!

Of course, if we as children of Adam and Eve have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth... I would think having 2 kids takes care of the replensihing part. So you're at least half way there! :)

Anonymous said...

Why do you even talk to your mom about it if you know her views? Maybe she brings it up?

No matter what you do, the term "getting fixed" is the animal way to say it. So if you decide to go for it, head on over to the vet. I hear it only costs like 50 bucks there.

Jordan said...

Is Spike here too?

Jenny said...

Well, I guess since I only have 5 and I Love to blog that I am with you in Hell.

Th. said...

.

Stick with kittens for a while.

bd93 said...

While there's definitely something to be said for having kids-providing entertainment for millions of bloggers should get you some serious points once you head to the other side I would think.

J-Rod said...

You should get an IUD instead of getting fixed, that way when you change your mind you just pull it out.

s'mee said...

just FYI J-Rod, MIL had an IUD and at age 43 had her 8th child...along with the IUD. Lesson: IUD not as effective as one may presume and can be extremely dangerous too boot.

Hollywood, perhaps I am presuming here, but after reading both your blog and the Editor's I feel both of you are tongue in cheek type-o-gals and all this is being taken WAAAY too serious by your readers.

That being said, I am with the Editor on this one. Not the get into heaven part, just the have as many as possible part. They only get better as they get older.

Anonymous said...

I'm doing this anonymously because I may, or may not be related to you. And DO NOT wish to incur the wrath of your mother, bless her heart.

I'm with Caroline. Plus, there are those out there that it is dangerous and REALLY hard to get pregnant. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father don't pay no never mind to how many chilluns you gots.

Hollywood said...

Thanks, S'mee - my mom was definitely being silly when she added the part about me going to hell for limiting my family but I thought it was funny enough to post. I certainly don't want people to get the impression that she would seriously judge anyone who used birth control or limited their family for personal reasons.

My mom and I are very open with each other and cover just about any topic for discussion over our long games of Scrabble. Anything to keep her mind off of how badly I'm beating her.

That's funny you mentioned that you'd been to my mom's blog, S'mee. I was hoping nobody would visit it this week since she just posted a picture of me taking a bubble bath over there. She accused me of being "too inhibited" so I had to agree when she asked to snap some photos of me in the tub. Awkward.

I really hope people don't take this post too seriously - Caroline - I totally hear you on the post partum depression thing. I have it really bad and it's not something I want to do many more times. But I've also been thinking about clbm562's comment all day about the downside to two kids being that it's over so soon. It's weird for me to think that my little baby that I hold so tight will/could be the last one I have. Babies are so wonderful. It's the toddlers that drain my energy.

I guess it's just a wait-and-see thing.

Marie - your family probably had some great conversations around the dinner table on Sundays! A Wiccan, a Mormon and a Catholic. It sounds like the beginning of some bad joke ;)

emmy said...

If they could only stay babies!

mother of 5 said...

I think that you think too much about future babies prolonging the stage that you are in. Haven't you ever noticed those 3rd or 4th (or 5th, 6th, etc) babies that get practically ignored and somehow are as happy as can be? Life has a way of working itself out. Once your kids get into school it really changes the dynamics of your family life. It makes it busier, which makes time fly, but it also breaks up the day, so if you have little ones at home it's not so much of the same thing day in and day out. If you only want two kids, great, but if you truly want more ("I Am a Woman" post), I definitely wouldn't rush into anything permanent that you may regret later.

Hollywood said...

Don't worry, Mother of 5. I'm pretty against doing anything permanent to prevent children unless there is a REALLY good health reason to do so. Heaven forbid if all my kids died in a car crash and I could never have any more - or if my hubby died, I got remarried and wanted another child with the new spouse - or just chilled out in my later years and realized that having 10 kids was finally my cup of tea. I have a warped view of "big family" since I grew up with 11 people - I almost feel like having "just six" is a cop out. And "only two" is sheer heresy to my family.

One by one. I guess that's the best way.

The Editor said...

Okay, kids. I'm a smart lady. Do you really think I would seriously advocate the number of children a woman had impacting where she went in the next life? Good grief! People! Feel free to discuss the merits of a large versus small family, but don't put words into my mouth or idiotic ideas into my head. That's Hollywood's job. And it was just in fun.

That being said, if I could get a wish from Santa it would be that women who desire a family and are fortunate enough to have children would be protected and supported enough to enjoy their role as mothers without being made to feel like they're wasting their brains or somehow falling behind or missing out on the important things in life. I certainly don't feel that way. Nor do I judge anyone who chooses to limit their family due to reasons they are not obligated to share anywhere; certainly not in a humor blog. This is serious business, Dears, and that is not a joke! Women are the guardians of the gates of life and death. We're the ones, and it's actually quite an honor, I think. Love to all, really. REALLY. Don't get all stirred up.

acte gratuit said...

Wow. Who knew people could be so humor inept?

I feel myself getting irrationally irratated with this Caroline person.

People who leave lame, inappropriate, self righteous, angry, indignant comments on a satirical post on a HUMOR BLOG really get my knickers in a twist!

(Sorry to have to pull out the word "knickers," but I had to get my point across. I feel much better now.)

(And yes, I know my comment is lame, self righteous, angry, and indignant. But at least it's not INAPPROPRIATE!!!)

Heather said...

Two is plenty for me! Your mom sounds like a hoot.

Nancy Sabina said...

Hoorah to the Editor! I happen to know her, and all her children - and think she and they are FAB! So have two, have ten, just do what makes you happy and feels right. I, personally, am shooting for more like 10. I'm counting on them starting to take care of each other a little bit- which is how I think having 10 kids is possible. Family cooperation.
...don't get me started....

Marie said...

Hollywood- I'm more of an ex-Mormon. Now my mom considers herself Messianic and my dad's gone agnostic, so we just don't bring up religion too much. ;)

And your mom definitely has some good points. A SAHM friend of mine was told by her BIL that she was "wasting her brain on children." This is one of those guys who has a Bluetooth surgically implanted on his face.

Caroline said...

geez, now I feel the need to defend myself.

I'm 25 and I have 4 kids. And I'm not allowed to have any more because of some pretty serious health problems. The last 2 almost killed me. But I love my kids and am very glad that they're here.

on the other hand, I have a fabulous SIL that has struggled with infertility for years and it's been the cause of much pain and anguish, esp. becuase her own mother really DOES think that everyone should have a bunch of kids... and she thinks that this infertility business is "nonsense"

That's why I get so defensive, because I know people on both ends of the spectrum and those people? are fabulous. They are amazing. And on those days, when my favorite people are reduced to tears because of an unkind, or funny, remark, I say what they, in their blubbering, cannot.

I'm not an extremist, and I know that this post was in jest. I KNOW. I just have very strong feelings on the matter and nobody said you had to like my opinion anyways. pbhhht.

(alright, that last sentence is probably going to make you mad all over again... oh well.)

Anonymous said...

Caroline, you weren't being defensive. You went on the offensive. No need for that. Enjoy your children. They're beautiful.

ML said...

Having brothers and sisters is such a wonderful thing. I envy those who are close to their siblings... especially sisters. I have a sister who is only 16 months older than me, but I grew up feeling like she hated me. And now that we are much older she doesn't hate me but she still has very little respect for me. She thinks I am an idiot for becoming a Mormon. I have 4 children and would have had more if I had been able. I have always tried to encourage them to love and support one another - to be and stay friends. I guess what I'm trying to say is it is wonderful to know that I have shared genes and heritage with a few people out there and wish we were better friends. I would not want to deprive my own children of that blessing.

Antique Mommy said...

I just have one.

See ya in hell sister!

Anonymous said...

hahahahahah nice post. Sufice it to say that three would cover the bare minimum of multiply and replenish...you've already got the replenish part down...

Rachelle said...

Wow, I guess I'm bound for the blazin inferno then, cuz I only have two!!

HA!! Come on,join me! It'll be fun!!!!!!
Slainte~
Rachelle

bordeaux said...

Hollywood you poor dear, things will be much much more fun in a year from now, I'd bet $600. Pixie will be in preschool and Pooby or whatever you call her, will not be talking your ear off yet. You'll never have to be the sole playmate for a toddler again, that makes a HUGE difference. I haven't pretended for years, I have people to do that for me.

melissa said...

dallas eh? welcome to Texas for the holiday season! nice and toasty! umm..if 2 kids gets you to hell, where does stopping after one get you? (okay, we'll probably have a ton in the end..but it is REALLY hard! it BETTER get me to heaven!)

Deb said...

LMAO... I'm a blogging slacker who isn't sure she even wants to go beyond one.

Steph said...

I'm pg w/#2 and seriously wondering why I'm doing this again when #1 drives me insane. She seems to think I'm the Mom Taxi and rides my hip everywhere even though she runs, walks, and skips with Daddy. I figure I'm already going to Hell for being Mormon so why not just have a couple or 10 kids for training? ;-)