October 17, 2005

More About Hollywood Than You Ever Wanted to Know

Cast of Characters:
Hollywood - the woman, the legend
Spike - the cut-throat lawyer husband
Pixie - the doting older sister
Char - the baby girl of the family

Hollywood enjoys:
Days when she doesn't have to change her shirt more than once from being yacked on
Being the class kiss-up in yoga and outstretching everyone
Being a sentimental packrat and going through old journals, letters and photos constantly
Watching her girls make each other laugh
Sleeping in till 8:00. Or even 7:00. Heck, She'd be happy if she could just sleep till 6:30 most days.

Hollywood is disgusted by:
Men in tank tops
Asparagus
The smell of her diaper trash can that sits on the porch
Women who never stop smiling
The curds of milk/cheese that collect in the folds of her infant's neck

A Brief History: The Early Years
Born in the forests of New England, Hollywood one of nine children. As a confirmed middle child, Hollywood has taken up the banner of outrageous behavior to get noticed and has performed stunts in the past such as solo belly dancing at her older sister's wedding and dying her hair brilliant pink every few years. Rather than receiving due attention for these feats, however, Hollywood has sunk lower and lower in the pages of history as she joined the legions of Mommy Bloggers which effectively invalidated every original thing she had ever done.
Hollywood was raised in Connecticut. It was here that she built grand fortresses in the colonial woods of which she was the Master & Commander. In these pine bough colonies, she developed a taste for power. This would later manifest itself when she got married, had children and ruled her household with tyranny and bloodshed. But in these early years, she restricted her warfare to her younger siblings and the local frog population.
As a teenager, Hollywood moved to Texas, bought cowboy boots and donned a tacky accent. Well aware that you could only be a Texan if your grandfather killed someone at the Alamo, Hollywood held on to some of her Eastern traditions and refused to wear makeup or purses to junior high. She collected an assortment of sidekicks who told her she was funny and would come over to her house for free food.
High School
It was in these formative teenage years that Hollywood surrendered herself to her hair. She allowed it to become feral and it hungrily ate away at her soul until she was referred to as "the girl with the hair." She was pleased with this development because she undoubtedly would have been called "the walking pimple" if not for the mop of hair enveloping her face. Hollywood began high school with a bang and was an active member of multiple groups and clubs. Odyssey of the Mind, the SPCA, Orchestra, volleyball, the literary magazine, CHOICE(a humanitarian outreach program in Mexico), and private tennis lessons. She quickly found, however, that life was more enjoyable if you stopped to enjoy it and by senior year had dropped out of everything but orchestra (her evil mother refused to let her abandon this particular craft) and somehow managed two free periods a day in addition to regularly skipping Health class. Her feats in underachievement were rewarded when she was accepted to college at which point, she stopped going to Health class altogether.
University
By the time she entered college, Hollywood's favorite activity was eating and she happily donned the celebrated Freshman 15. Then she gained some more. But when she could no longer find pants her size at the mall, the pragmatist kicked in and she tasted her first salad. She cut her hair within an inch of its life. She bought a bike. She started running. To accommodate this new active lifestyle, Hollywood switched her major from Geology to Sociology and was then able to reuse the same term paper for every class until graduation and spend more time biking dusty mountain canyons.
Married Life
True to the nature of mankind, it was at this physical peak that Hollywood met and married Spike. He was an iron pumping jail guard in Utah County and would come to Hollywood's house after his shift ended wearing his uniform and a grin. Twenty one days after their first date they were engaged. A month later Hollywood told her family of Spike's existence and six months later they were married with Hollywood's "WooHoo"s echoing from the marble halls of the hallowed temple.
The newlyweds moved east and took up random jobs to fill the sweltering afternoon hours. A year later, they couldn't stomach the idea of showing one more visitor the Smithsonian and pulled up stakes to move to Michigan, where they were positive nobody would ever visit them again. It was here that Spike attended law school and learned the art of the argument. Hollywood has not won an argument in their marriage since.
With a degree in Sociology, the sky was the limit for Hollywood's career. In Michigan she worked at two law firms as a paralegal, prepared a Medical Insurance office for audits, tracked Kidney Transplant patients at the local hospital and taught friends the intricacies of the yogic breath. She hated every below-freezing second of it and three years later, the couple moved to Southern California to try again somewhere that didn't suck.
Once in California, Hollywood embraced her inner woman and despite her friend's warnings, decided to become a mother. Three years later she had produced two tiny women. Although her children were beyond charming, motherhood did not come naturally to Hollywood. Working on 3 hours of sleep a night and clothes reeking of spit up, she found herself tumbling headfirst into the terrifying unknown that is parenting. At this point, she found it necessary to document her domestic trials on a blog so that when she snapped and ate her entire family, there would be sufficient documentation to justify her actions.
Currently, Hollywood has not yet eaten anyone. This page will be updated as necessary to reflect any change in status.

Notable Achievements/Recognitions
1983: Graduated from her church Nursery at the early age of three;
1985: Received the coveted "Cabbage Patch Kid" award for successfully quitting thumb sucking;
1986: Received a "Certificate of Participation" for playing Swan Lake on the piano at a church talent show;
1987: Certificate of Recognition in honor of her "Excellent School Citizenship" from her second grade teacher;
[1990: 3rd place in the Spud Toss at the Middle School Annual Field Day;
1991: Performed in the General Ensemble in the musical production, "Annie" and had a one sentence speaking part which she forgot to say both nights;
1992: 3rd Place in Shotput for a church track meet;
1993: "Special Award" for playing in her junior high orchestra;
1994: 2rd place in a town pumpkin carving contest in the “Prettiest Pumpkin” category;
2nd place in a TX state-wide poetry competition;
1995: 1st place in the League Competition for Odyssey of the Mind;
Certificate of Course Completion from the Church Educational System for completing a year's study of The Book of Mormon in early morning Seminary;
1996: "Just Plain Nice" award at the end of the year orchestra party in high school;
1997: A scrawny yellow piece of rope she wore around her neck for 4 hours at high school graduation signifying her "Honors" status. Sooooo not worth it;
2001: 4th place in a chili cook off;
Blue ribbon in a Limbo contest at an office Christmas party;
Certificate of Completion for the "Introduction to Excel 97 Course";
2002: Performed the yoga pose, "Bound Lotus" for the first time;
2003: Received eBay's "Yellow Star" award for achieving a feedback score of at least 10;
2005: Gave birth without medication;
2006: Completed a one-woman triathlon;
Received her first reimbursement for writing for a literary publication in the form of one can of beer;
2007: First place winner in the Fruity Cheerios video competition