March 30, 2006

Get With The Program

I feel like most of my posts leave things open ended so just to cap off all issues I've left, here's a little update.

Remember the post about:

The Library Politicians?: Today, the people in front of the library had a sign that said "Nuclear Power is Safer Than Sex." I didn't stop to debate that one.

My hummingbirds?: Both have flown the coop and never even send letters. Lousy ingrates. I now have 5 homemade hummingbird feeders outside my porch, NONE of which have ever been tasted by a hummingbird. They just buzz up, pause, and buzz away. I also have 3 trays of bread/cracker scraps and one regular bird feeder. Spike looked out the window this morning and asked if I was making an offering to Buddha. The birds certainly don't want it.

Pixie's Sign Language?: She now "babbles" in sign language. It's like watching a football ref on fast forward. She flails her arms around madly pointing to all kind of things and tugging on body parts and can't understand why I don't get it. Some kids babble vocally, she babbles with her arms. Go figure.

Our Evil Apartment Manger?: She was "relieved" of her position last week. I credit a concerted campaign from our family as well as our other friends living in this complex. The People Have Spoken! We can only hope the new manager is a little more family friendly. He does have nice legs so that's a start.

American Idol?: Still a weekly sin of mine. And yes, I sing better than all of those simpletons. My voice cannot go unheard for much longer. But would somebody please dispose of that cocky Ryan Seacrest so we can actually enjoy the show? I'm hoping for everyone except for Ace the Narcissistic Nitwit because, well, he's a narcissistic nitwit.

Hollywood Sellout?: It's only gotten worse. My new theme is "Comment or I Die."

Triathlon Training?: After two months of VERY hard work, I just spent the last two weeks sitting on my rear eating Fiddle Faddle. My new goal is to do a Saturday Tri on April 29th that's a little less strenuous but will get me a t-shirt anyway. I'm a miserable failure. But I did buy my wetsuit today. It's super sexy. Nothing like sausage wrap to accentuate a sausage.

eBay Mania: I'm in the thick of eBay auctions that command my attention constantly. Right now I'm selling Peeps products and with all the time and effort have probably averaged 2 cents/hour but I love it and Spike can't talk me out of selling. It's a rush.

Trophy Wife Lifestyle: Ah yeah! The guitar and I continue our illicit affair which wrecks havoc on my daily housekeeping responsibilities. I can play a pretty convincing Desperado. I have yet to think up a cool Rock Star name for my guitar but have considered a few possibilities like: The Child Neglecter, Fat Sally or Wretched Kitty. We'll have to see.

Wicked Bird-Child?: I exorcised Pixie somehow and the bird really does seem to be dead this time. I credit it to my aviary offerings on my porch that are mysteriously untouched day after day. And Spike wonders why I don't just stop putting food out there! Fool.

Emergency Preparedness?: I bought a 25 pound bag of salt and about 40 pounds of pasta. After that it started getting really expensive and I lost the fever so if anyone needs salt after the big one hits, we'll help you out. Mmmm....salt!

Mrs. Lamp?: The luminescent diva has been glaringly absent from our lives of late. I get a tad wistful for her sometimes when I switch on my sterile Ikea lamps in the evening. She's like Carrot Top. You never really know when or where she's going to show up, but you bet it will be shocking.

Potty Training?: Yeah right. That was too good to be true. She’s back to using the bathtub. No, you don't want details.

Hope that ties up any lose ends. Let me know if I forgot anything!


Stephanie said...

I feel so much better! Now that I know the happy endings to these posts, I can finally give birth in peace. ;-)

I'm so glad your blog is so much more entertaining than mine; I feel like it's blog karma. You're the yin to my yang--good blog balances crappy blog. All is well in the world if you keep on posting.

angela from the block said...

this is the first i've ever heard of mrs. lamp. maybe someday i can get a formal introduction!

Anonymous said...

Heh, heh. It was hubris, Baby. NObody's baby potty trains at age one. Why bother? You'd just have made her into a nut case anyway. Totally unnatural, Child Neglecter!

So my DOG was potty trained before your kid ever will be. Think about that!

Sarah said...

Yeah, I'm pretty much the worst mom out there. But it's nice to be the best at something. Even if it's the worst. Think about THAT when your precious dog dies next week from eating rat poison.

Catherine said...

I need to tell you... Penny looks like she has given up the spirit of the bird and is posessed by........ Chris Farley! The picture of her in her angel wings doint the "fat man in a little coat" stance is awesome!